Two Sides to Validation

Two weeks ago, I attended a professional training where the idea is to listen carefully and critique the work of the speakers.

I was leading the meeting, noticing the energy in the room, particularly the darker energy of a woman sitting near the door. She was new to the group, so she and I had not yet been introduced.

When the meeting ended, I walked over to say hello and introduce myself. Her mouth was tight when she forced a smile and her voice was clipped when she asked me where she should put her notes for the speaker.

I smiled and shared that group members hand them directly to each individual.

Her response caught me by surprise when she grabbed her notes and slammed them into her purse so viciously that it slid off her shoulder and fell to the floor. I quickly bent to grab it and hand it back to her.

“I’m not comfortable with handing them my notes,” she said.

Surprised, I answered, “This is a very supportive group. Everyone enjoys getting feedback from the members. Good or bad, it doesn't matter. It's why we're here.”

This time, she spat her answer at me.

"I’m not comfortable with that."

I took a step back feeling the suppressed anger that was rising from her.

She glared at me before adding, "And you’re not validating my feelings by just saying that’s what you do here.”

She then turned on her heel and stomped out the door.

The entire exchange left me feeling off balance for a few moments, but I immediately

reminded myself that I had noticed she had appeared to be having a rough day.

However, the more I thought about her response and her abrupt departure, it occurred to me that in some cases, expecting validation can foster closed-mindedness and stifle personal growth.

As compassionate beings, the majority of humans feel it’s important to validate the pain of a child, the grief of a friend or loved one, or the heartbreak of losing a pet.

However, I feel it’s especially important to recognize when we are being self-centered in our quest to have our thoughts and feelings validated.

In this case, the woman obviously had some thoughts about the speakers because she had prepared her notes. but her reluctance to share them due to her insecurity arouond being judged for her thoughts demonstrated a certain self-centeredness.

As life has progressed, I have become clear that there are really only two emotions: love and fear. That may sound like a bold statement, but think about it.

What is insecurity? Fear.

Self-doubt? Fear.

Anxiety? Fear.

Depression. The outcome of fear.

What is love? Joy. Happiness. Acceptance. Fearlessness. Resilience. Authenticity.

So let me ask you—when do you feel the need to be validated? On what topics? Take a moment and think about it. Do you have something?

Now, ask the big question. WHY? Why do you need to be validated.

Why is it important to you how someone else feels about you or your feelings?

This is just one more baby step into the exploration of growing self-awareness.

Enjoy the process!