Is Anger Holding You Back?

In my family, as kids, we were reprimanded if we expressed anger.

I remember several nights going to bed without dinner because I became angry with my mom or one of my (very annoying) siblings.

I learned that anger is bad, so early on, I learned to keep my feelings to myself.

I learned that anger deserves to be punished.

If feelings of anger ever did begin to rise, I tamped the emotion down immediately.

"Stop it. It's not such a big deal."

“You’re making too much of it.”

Several times during my life, I sought counseling, and each time, I was told I needed to express my feelings of frustration or anger.

I wanted to, but I couldn't feel them.

I remember one counselor looking at me with a mix of skepticism and surprise.

"How is it possible that you wouldn't be angry about that?"

I had become desensitized and unable to connect with the anger that lived somewhere deep, deep down inside.

As hard as I tried, I couldn't feel what seemed to come to others so easily. I knew it had to be there (I am human after all!), but I couldn't sense it. Letting things go was easy for me.

By the time I reached fifty years old, I finally accepted the fact that I am just not an angry person.

To make it more confusing, others liked being around me in difficult situations because I remained so calm.

In those cases, I felt good about being helpful in difficult moments, and I was happy that I could be of service.

But then...

Last year, I had the strangest experience.

I was chatting with one of my brothers who calls me regularly. He started down the same childhood rabbit hole he always ends up going down, and I listened patiently as he started running the same old story.

I was feeling frustration rise up in my chest as he repeated an excuse that was keeping him in his alcohol story.

Then he said something so unkind that my body reacted without me thinking.

I was completely shocked when I totally lost my temper. Imagine my surprise when I looked down at my phone and realized I had hung up on him!

My poor brother was blown right out of the water. He thought I had lost my mind.

He then started a series of texts saying that he had never seen me angry, that my anger was unjustified, that it was okay for him to say what he said to me because it was just his opinion.

He said I needed to forgive him and pick up his calls.

But I couldn't. His words had touched some place in me that I had never gone before. He poked the hurt little girl who was hiding somewhere deep down inside.

The anger was explosive. It had been festering for years. And quite honestly, it felt GOOD.

The entire experience had been an incredible release. It felt like an explosion, but in a good way.

For the first time in my life, I had given in to anger, and I was reveling in the release.

I celebrated!

For the next few months, I let anger come. If I felt annoyed, I addressed the issue. If I felt angry, I would go out into the woods behind our house and break something. I was finally releasing the anger that had been pent up for years.

That initial display of anger showed me that I had finally set healthy boundaries around what I would and wouldn't take. How exciting!

The experience was so powerful and felt so good that it sent me digging into researching the aspects of anger.

I learned that some of the underlying emotions of anger might include:

• Sadness

• Disappointment

• Loneliness

• Annoyance

• Anxiety

• Stress

• Disgust

• Regret

• Shame

• Frustration

When you feel unheard, unseen, or disrespected (which in that case was HUGE), you might lash out in anger.

Or, if you learned that anger is bad, you might end up feeling depressed and sad, which is only natural.

There are so many side effects of anger: sleeplessness, TMJ, anxiety, depression, etc. The list goes on and on.

Feeling heard, seen, and understood by our family and friends is a basic desire for most humans.

Anger is such a confusing and often wonderful emotion.

With this in mind, I created a workshop that I’m super excited to launch. It’s called:

Honoring Anger: Finding Wisdom in the Fire.

Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn for more details that are coming soon!